The Old Lynley Place - Dialogue "Only" Competition Entry

Word Count: 1717

Hey doofus, watch where you're going. You walked right into me. And stop digging around it that bag.

Yeah, doofus, watch where you're going.

Do-don't ca-call me that.

Yeah? So, what you gonna do about it? Doofus.

Stop teasing him, you dope.

Yeah, bu-bu-butthead.

Yeah? Well, you’re a stuttering little butthead yourself.

Stop it, Dick. He might be a butthead, but he’s my little butthead. Not yours.

So why’d you have to bring him along anyway? We haven't been able to hit half the houses 'cause he walks so slow. I still got a dozen eggs in my backpack.

Don’t ask.

I’m o-o-old enough to co-co-come along.

Just keep up, okay? You might be my little brother, but I’m not making special arrangements for you. And stop eating all your candy. You're gonna be sick.

Yeah, kid, no special arrangements.


Let’s go this way.

Bu-bu-but that’ll ta-ta-take us by the old Lyn-Lyn. The old Lynley pla-place.

Yeah, what of it? You're old enough to come along, right?

Lea-lea-leave me alone.

You're not scared, are you? Is widdle Jimmy scared of the big ol' haunted house?

There's supposed to be a party tonight, round back. Annie told me about it. ... Shit, my flashlight battery's dying.

Say again. You wanna go hang out with teenage girls, or should I say Annie, dragging this candy filled little turd behind you?

He'll be okay. He can sit on the porch.


He's going with me. With or without you.

Fine. Maybe I'll talk to Annie then, while you're taking care of doofus here. ... Hey, you think they'll have beer?


I'm te-te-tellin'.

It'll be the last time. I'll make sure your hiney stays parked at home next time.

I-I-I take it back, To-Tommy. I pro-promise. I won't te-tell. I li-like hanging o-out with you-you guys.

Oh, Tommy, I'll be good. I promise. What a baby.

Stop dragging your bag on the concrete. You'll wear a hole in it and lose all your candy. ... Man, it's dark out here. What's up with the streetlights?

There it is, Jimmy, the Lyn-Lyn-Lynley house. We're almost there. Man, just look at how dark and spooky it is. You scared? ...  You're not scared, are you?  Not even a wi-wi-widdle?

No. Bu-bu-butthead.

Hey, how come he can say it, and I can't?

'cause you're not my little brother.

Geeze, what a load of crap.

You see any lights on up there? I can barely see where I'm going. ... Flashlight's dead.

I can't even see the house, the hedges are so thick. I guess ghosts don't pay their electic bills.

Look, there's the gate. This is it.

It lo-looks de-deserted.

Duh! What fun would a haunted house be if people were living—get it, living—there? ... Hey, doofus, run up ahead and open the gate for us.

It's okay, Jimmy. Go open the gate.

Watch this. ... BOO.

Tha-tha-that wa-wasn't fu-fu-funny. I don't li-li-like you.

You're just a little scardy cat. The kid on the porch ain't scared.

So, then how come he’s just sitting there like a statue.

Okay, so maybe he’s scared. Scared stiff. Bwahaha.

Fu-fu-funny. Not.

Jimmy, I dare you. Go up and poke him. Maybe he fell asleep or something.

I-I-I’m no-no-not going up there. You-you-you do it.

I knew you were a scardy cat.

I-I-I’m not a scardy ca-ca-cat.

Fine. I dare you to go up there and punch him right in the nose. That'll wake him up.

St-st-stop sho-shov-shoving me. Bu-bu-butthead.

Come on, Jimmy, I’ll go with you. ... We’ll see who the scardy cat is.

Yo-yo-you go first?

Sure. Stay close. I'll hold the gate for you.


Hey, you two. Wait up.

Keep up.

Hey, you did that on purpose.


Closed the gate on me.

Did not.

Did too.

Just shut it. ... The gate that is.

Yeah? Think you’re so funny.

To-To-Tommy, tha-tha-that kid hasn’t mo-moved.

Why are you whispering?

Yeah, doofus, why are you whispering?

Look dude. Give it a rest. Okay? He’s only six.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I-I-I think he’s de-de-de-dead.

He’s just playing, trying to scare us.

Yeah, only a widdle baby would be scared of a kid just sitting on a porch.

What did I say? Give it a rest. ... Jimmy, come on.

Umm, To-Tommy, it lo-looks like the kid bar-barfed himself.

Probably fake, just part of the trick. You know, to scare us.

Do-do-don’t go any clo-closer. Please.

Chicken sh--

Don’t make me say it again.

Wha-what was that no-no-noise?

Probably just a board creaking. Old houses do that, you know. ... You’re not afraid, are you? ... Come on, we're gonna see what's up with this kid.

Tommy? To-Tommy? That-tha-that kid doesn’t lo-lo-look so goo-good.

Tommy, I’m soooooo sca-sca-scared. Help me. Hahaha.

Stop dragging your feet. You don’t want to prove him right do you?

‘k-‘kay. But do we-we-we have to g-go all the w-w-way up the steps? We co-co-could just ca-ca-call to him from d-d-down here.

We should see if he's okay. 'cause you’re right. He doesn’t look so good.

Poke him.

You poke him.

Uh-uh. You do it. He looks all squishy, like something’s not right. And what're those marks on his neck?

Who’s a chicken sh—

Don't be stupid. I'm not afraid like the little butthead here. It's just a kid in a costume.

Jimmy, wait.

I po-po-poked him, butthead. I po-poked him. ... To-Tommy, he fe-fe-feels cold.

You’re just imagining stuff. Let me check... Dude, he's right. The kid's cold. Like ice. I, I think he’s dead. ... Dick, get up here. See if he’s got a pulse.

I ain’t no chiropractor.

Coroner, dummy.

That either. Ewh, he is cold. I… I… I think you’re right. We gotta get outta here. ... What if the killer’s still around?

What makes you think… did he just move? Crap, he just moved.

Stop trying to scare me. He just fell over after Jimmy poked him.

Where is Jimmy? ...  Jimmy?

Dude, he’s not here. ... Jimmy? ... The little doofus probably got scared and ran away.

You don’t think…


You don’t think there really is a killer, do you?

I told you not to bring him along. Some maniac's probably kidnapped him. ... And I guess we'll have to look for him now.

You guess?

So much for the party, dude. We'll be hunting little buttheads all night. ... You sure it was here? I don't hear no music. Or people talkin'. And with a maniac on the loose, I don't think I want to be hanging around, anyway.

Help me find Jimmy, then we'll leave. You go round the left side of the house, and I'll take the right.

Fine. Whatever. The whole night's already been a waste. ... And now I could be puttin' my life on the line for some little creep I don't even know except through you.

Dude, my little brother's gone, and all you can do is complain about what a waste it's been? ... Just help me look for him, okay. I'll meet you round back.

Wait. ... What's that noise? Maybe it's him. I bet the little turd's trying to scare us.

What noise?

Stop joking around. I know you heard it.

Dude, you're losing it, and we haven't even had any beer.

There it goes again. It's like something growling, but real low.

I ain't heard nothing. You're imagining stuff.

Stop it. Okay? I'm not imagining it. ... What if it's a wolf?

A wolf. Really? Dude, we live in the city. 

Man, I'm just telling you— there is goes again. I know I heard something growl.

It's probably somebody's dog, idiot.

Yeah, maybe. 

So, you go round the left.  

Dude, what if it's some crazy mad dog. ... Or there could be a murderer still hanging around.

You scared?

Course not. I ain't your little brother. If we gotta look for the little puke, let's get it over with. There's a party over on Elm Street. We could probably still make it before the beer's gone.

You sure you're not scared? ... Maybe we should call the police.

Are you kidding? Let someone else find the dead kid. He's not gonna know, one way or the other.

Okay. Let's find Jimmy, then we'll head over to that party.


Oh my god, Tommy, you should've seen him run. Lit out like he was on fire. I think he pissed himself. ... Have to give it to him, though. At least he didn't cry. ... Man, let's sit a minute. I'm getting too old for this shit. I'm wore out what with all that jumping and creeping around. ... And stuttering. I-I-I'm just a li-li-little ki-ki-kid. No-no-nothing to be a-a-afraid of.

You did good, but you-you-you we-we-went overboa-boa-board a co-couple of ti-ti-times with the st-stuttering. And the butthead business. I thought he was going to get suspicious. Shit, I almost told you to give it a rest.

He was too busy being all Mr. Macho Bully. I doubt he heard a thing I said.

I know. I hate bullies too. ... Hey, your growling was pretty damn impressive tonight, considering you didn't actually change. But I thought, for sure, you'd do the bat and thrash him with your wings. ... Man, these steps are hard on my butt. We should put some lounge chairs out here.

Well wouldn't that look dumb. Lounge chairs on the porch of a haunted house. Don't be ridiculous. No one's going to walk past a house with pink and orange lounge chairs out front and think 'Oh, I bet monsters live there'.

Bite me. Haha. ... For awhile there I didn't think he'd run. I thought we might have to use him as stage props for our next outing, like old Eddie here.

Yeah, we should probably get rid of Eddie. He's starting to stink. 

I just block it. Use my vamp nose.

Yeah, right, Mr. Superior Vampire. You may look older... Just don't forget, I created you. ... Butthead.

Sure thing, Gramps. Whatever you say. Not. ... So you think he learned a lesson, or should we use him next time?

Don't know. ... I meant it when I said I didn't like him.

Yeah, me neither, but you gotta admit, he's fun to play with.

1 comment:

  1. My kind of story to be sure! Reminds me of Goosebumps (I still get them at yard sales)