Today, I was reading through the details concerning the PNWA conference. In the fine print was a notice that said the first and second place winners of the literary contest will have a special invitation in their packet for a meet and greet with the agents and editors after the winner-announcement dinner.
So now I'm nervous. I thought I had until Saturday night to be happy, to just enjoy the conference, that I may still have a chance, but now, tomorrow morning, I'll know one way or the other.
Intellectually, with the scores I received, I don't think I have a chance of getting first or second place, but emotionally, I really, really want to win and there is still a tiny ember of hope burning. I didn't think I would be this nervous. But I know that wanting to be the best is inherent in all of us. Problem is that it was bred into me such that I had panic attacks in college when I thought I might get a B.
Now, tonight, I wish I had never entered this contest. If I don't win, it feeds my fear of being a loser, of everyone knowing what a fake I am. On the other hand, if I do win, then it feeds my fear that eventually everyone will find out what a fake I am. Trust me, I know it's irrational, and I know who I can thank for it.
With that said, I'm going to have another glass of wine ... or three, and try to forget about the contest.