Worst First Sentence

I won first prize at the 2008 Maui Writers' Retreat for this Worst First Sentence: 

As he slumped to the floor, as his life force drained like partially congealed cherry Jello in a hair clogged sink from the bullet wound in his Santa-esk bowl-full-of jelly gut, Joel thought that if he had only known this was the last day of his life, he would have most certainly done something more interesting instead of wasting what precious little time he had left lying like a beached gray whale—not a killer whale because they were just too aggressive—on the sofa licking Cheeto-dust from his fingers and watching re-runs of the original Star Trek series—not the Next Generation because he was a purist after all and had seen this particular episode nearly a hundred times—and pondering whether Captain Kirk was the father of all the English speaking species in the universe, but then again, it was a really good episode.

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