Today marks three months since I've written a post. I've often thought about writing something, but I have felt so apathetic lately that mostly what I do [in my spare time] is read or watch TV. I've always been an avid reader, but to just sit and watch TV all day on a Sunday is abnormal to say the least.
And though I'm not participating, the world goes on around me, and that fuels my apathy. I often contemplate what the point is, why get up and go to work, why record my thoughts, why write stories? And to be honest, I can't come up with one good reason. Why strive for anything? It's all so tiresome. My stories tire me, and yet these characters, these people never leave my head.
Beryl keeps pestering me, but I can't find her voice. I'm not sure I relate to Beryl. I purely made her out of cloud-stuff, ether and imagination. Is she an angry young woman or resigned? I can do resigned, as that's what I'm feeling right now, but how is that the least bit interesting? It's not. It's boring. Capital B, Boring.
And I can't keep writing my story over and over again. To a degree, I've done it twice already with Janice and Maggie. I was thinking today that Maggie's ending was what I wanted for myself. Yes, there is a bit of autobiography in her story, the handsome man and his daughter that I wanted for my own. But it didn't happen. Life isn't like fiction. There are no happy endings, or at least, not many. There's just existence. Moving forward each day because there's nothing else to do.
I feel as though I have fallen into a dark crevasse, a sump hole full of foul-tasting water in which I'm drowning. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but sometimes it does feel that way, that just making it through another day requires all my strength.
Don't get me wrong. As whiny as I sound, I have a good life, an easy life, but when I look around me, I still wonder what does it all mean. If I were to die today, nothing would change... Well, nothing except for me.
So I accomplished something today. I wrote a blog post. Yay, me! And I'll keep working at life, because there's no other option. I'm not a quitter.